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. . . On Time
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
I have noticed that the people who are late are often
so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
The only time a woman wishes
she were a
year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Just when I was getting used
to yesterday,
along came today.
. . . On Happiness
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
It is bad to suppress
laughter;
it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
. . . On Diet
Blessed are those who hunger
and thirst,
for they are sticking to their diets.
One of life's mysteries is
how a two pound box of
candy can make you gain five pounds.
Inside some of us is a thin
person struggling to get out,
but she can usually be sedated with
a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Can it be a mistake that
"STRESSED" is "
DESSERTS" spelled backwards?
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.
I don't mind the rat race,
but I could
do with a little more cheese.
I had to give up jogging for
my health.
My thighs kept rubbing together and
setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You just hang
something in your closet
for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
. . . On Stress
God put me on earth to
accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It's frustrating when you
know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm,
you just don't have all the facts.
Stress reducer; Put a bag on
your head.
Mark it "closed for remodeling".
*Caution - leave air holes.
There cannot be a crisis this week;
my schedule is already full.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
. . . On Life
Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull,
some have weird names, and all are different colors
...but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.
Life is an endless struggle
full of frustrations and
challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
Despite the high cost of
living,
have you noticed how it remains so popular?
The nice part of living in a
small town is that when
I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing in the store is free yet?
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
The real art of conversation
is not only to
say the right thing in the right place,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong
thing at the tempting moment.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
Sometimes I think I
understand everything,
then I regain consciousness.
If at first you don't succeed,
see if the loser gets anything.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
~ Author(s) Unknown
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